Buddha Da Read online

  ‘And some need other things.’

  He wrapped the dressin roond ma haund and pressed doon on it haurd.

  ‘Jimmy, I understand what you’re saying, but we allocate jobs on a random basis, not just to be fair but because sometimes you can learn more from doing an unfamiliar job you find difficult rather than one you can do easily.’ He smiled. ‘Reflect on it. While you’re chopping the rest of the carrots.’

  But when ah got back intae the kitchen Barbara’d practically finished them.

  ‘Thanks,’ ah said. ‘Can ah dae sumpn?’

  ‘It’s OK, that’s them,’ she says, scrapin the last of them aff the choppin board intae a big bowl. ‘Take them over to Simon; he’ll put them in the stew.’

  ‘Right.’ They were that neat the way she’d done them, no the big dauds ah’d managed. ‘How d’you get them that neat wi thon blunt knife?’

  Barbara’s wipin the choppin board and the work-surface wi a cloth. She turns roond. ‘I sharpened it. Didn’t you see this?’ She points tae a big electric knife sharpener at the other end ae the work-surface.

  ‘Eh, naw, never seen it.’ How could ah have missed it? Never dawned on me tae look fur it of course. See whit Vishana wis sayin is all very well, but that’s it, in’t it? A wumman thinks tae sharpen a knife that’s blunt but a man just goes on choppin wi it and ends up cuttin hissel.

  That night in the prayer room, ah sat listenin tae the rain. Ah’d gied up on the meditation, couldnae concentrate again. Ah wis tired and everythin that had happened ower the weekend so far wis churnin away inside me; the new folk, the stuff ah couldnae unnerstaund, Vishana and they fuckin carrots, and ah felt weary in ma bones. Ah’d taken Vishana’s advice and sat on a chair insteid ae tryin tae dae the cross-legged bit, and ah fund ma fingers drummin on ma leg in time tae the rain’s rhythm. Ah stopped and pit ma haunds on ma legs, just rested them there and listened. The prayer room had a glass roof and you could hear every drap; some plip-ploppin, some squelchin and some thumpin doon as if they were gonnae break it. And somehow ah fund masel followin the raindraps as they landed on the roof, no really listenin, no anythin, just sittin. Sometimes it got a bit heavier and sometimes the wind would blaw it soft, makin wee skittery noises, like an animal scratchin.

  And it wis like the rain wis alive, know, and everythin in the prayer room seemed tae disappear, couldnae hear anybuddy or see anythin; it wis just me and the rain.

  Frosty. Very frosty. Liz, ah mean. Anne Marie wis neither up nor doon. Ah could of been away at a footie match for all the notice she took.

  ‘Hiya, Da.’

  ‘Hi, hen. D’ye miss me?’

  ‘Were you away somewhere? Oh aye, ah thought ah hudnae seen much of ye this weekend. How’s the yogic flyin comin on?’

  ‘Very funny. Get you a spot on The Fast Show wi patter like that. Where’s yer mammy?’

  ‘Cleanin the bathroom.’

  Ah should of known it’d be hard gaun by the smell a bleach. It’s funny but when Liz is really really mad aboot sumpn, she goes mental wi bleach. The place is honkin – you just follow the smell and there she is, rubber gloves up tae her oxters, scourin away round the edges of the plughole wi an auld toothbrush. When we were first merriet ah thought she was just dead hygienic. Took me a while tae clock ontae the fact that efter the mad bleachin there was a big, big silence then an explosion.

  Anyway, ah poked ma heid roond the bathroom door.

  ‘That’s me hame noo.’

  Silence. Except for the scourin. Christ, the enamel’d be aff the bath at this rate.

  ‘Ah’m away tae make a cuppa tea. D’you want one?’

  Nae answer.

  She’d thawed a bit by tea time, thank God. It was weird bein hame though. The hoose felt dead wee compared tae the retreat place and everythin seemed different, all the wee things you never even look at. Like there’s a calendar in the kitchen wi pictures of animals, and September’s animal is a polar bear. I mean why a polar bear for September? But ah’d never noticed it afore.

  ‘This is great,’ ah said, gettin wired in tae ma dinner.

  ‘It’s just chicken cacciatore.’

  ‘Least it’s no veggie cacciatore.’

  ‘Was the food rotten at the retreat, Da?’

  ‘Naw, hen, it was quite nice really. But no as good as yer mammy’s.’

  ‘Did they have a cook?’

  ‘Naw, we all mucked in. Vishana gied us chores. Ah’d tae chop the carrots. Mountains of them.’

  ‘Who was all there, Da?’

  ‘All sorts. Ah was sharin wi a coupla guys called Gary and Jed. Jed was awright. Gary was a bit, you know, kinda spaced oot. But OK.’

  ‘What did you dae all weekend? Meditate?’ It was the first time Liz hud spoke.

  ‘And chop carrots. Ach, there was a few talks and we’d time tae get oot in the fresh air – it’s beautiful round there, dead quiet. Yous should come next time. There’s another weekend comin up next month.’

  ‘Ah don’t think so. Wan member of this faimly wi his heid in the clouds is quite enough.’

  ‘Can ah come, Da?’

  Ah was aboot tae say aye when Liz drew me a look.

  ‘We’ll see, hen. We’ll talk aboot it nearer the time, eh? Now how about you and me dae these dishes and we’ll all sit doon and watch a video?’

  All the time Anne Marie and me were washin up, ah fund masel gettin mair and mair worked up inside. This wee voice kept runnin through ma mind; can she no just gie it a chance, does she have tae gie it this ah know best stuff. Ah’ve always kind of looked up tae Liz, no looked up exactly but she’s aye been the sensible wan oot the two ae us. Maisty the time we just get on wi it – we’ve known each other that long and ah’ve kind of bowed tae her judgement on the big things. Ah mean, she was the wan that wanted tae buy a flat, years ago. Ah’d have just kept on rentin – why gie yersel the hassle, but naw, she wanted tae buy. Worked oot the money stuff and went tae the buildin society. And she was right. We started oot in a room and kitchen an noo we’ve got a nice big three-bedroom flat and the mortgage is less than whit ma sister’s payin in rent tae the cooncil for a hoose in a street that’s no exactly brilliant.

  But it’s went on that long that noo she thinks she knows best aboot everthin. And she knows heehaw aboot this. No aboot meditation or the folk at the Centre. Which is fine. She doesnae have tae take an interest if she doesnae want, but why the hell can she no just let it be? How come she’s got tae act all superior aboot it?

  Ah managed tae hide ma feelins, kept it in for Anne Marie’s sake. We had a quiet night in, watched a video, had a cuppa tea, as usual. But later, when Liz and me were on wer ain, the cracks started tae show. Ah felt awkward. Ah’ve no been away fae hame that often, the odd weekend at a match wi the boys or that, but ah’ve aye come back ready tae tell her all aboot it, lookin forward tae bedtime as you’d expect. But ah fund masel hingin aboot the bathroom efter ma shower, spendin ages brushin ma teeth and footerin aboot, kind of hopin she’d be asleep afore ah got intae bed. But of course she wasnae.

  When ah got in beside her the frosties reached sub-zero. Ah wasnae feelin much like it anyway but thought ah’d better make a bit of an effort, but when ah reached ower her she rolled away as far as she could the other side. So ah turnt on ma side and said, ‘Night.’ And she done the same.

  The next week we were daein a job in a big hoose, workin late every night tae get it finished. The guy was a pop star – his band had been big a couple a year ago – but it was his girlfriend who was in charge. He didnae gie a toss, was just puttin up the dough for it. Anyway he seemed tae have plenty brass tae chuck aboot.

  It’s funny – work. Everybuddy goes on aboot how they want tae win the lottery and chuck in their jobs but ah sometimes think that ah’m happiest workin. And ah wis glad tae have sumpn tae get on wi, that ah could dae wioot thinkin. That weekend at the retreat – ah enjoyed it, but it kind of done ma heid in. Aw they folk. Aw that flamin meditatin. Or should ah say, tryin tae m
editate. The only bit ah really enjoyed wis thon night ah sat listenin tae the rain. Just sittin.

  Just as well ah wasnae around much that week: by the time ah did get in at night ah was knackered and there was only time tae get a bit of dinner and flake oot in fronty the telly fur an hour afore bed. Gave things time tae settle doon between me and Liz. We just kind of forgot aboot it: there was nae time fur it tae become a big deal. On the Friday night we’d arranged tae go fur a drink and a meal wi Paul and his wife. We finished work early on the Friday, put the last coat on about two so ah got hame first. Ah’d bought a bunch a freesia and stuck them in a vase in the kitchen. It’s Liz’s favourite – she likes the smell. Ah jumped in the shower then went and laid oot on the bed. The tiredness seemed tae hit me all of a sudden and the next thing ah knew Anne Marie was staundin beside me.

  ‘Is it that time already?’

  ‘It’s five o’clock, Da, Mammy’ll be hame in hauf an hour.

  ‘Five o’clock. Ah must of been asleep for hours.’

  ‘You were snorin like a pig. Are yous no meant tae be gaun oot the night?’

  ‘Aye, hen. Just gie’s a minute tae come to. Ah hate fallin asleep in the efternoon.’

  ‘Want a cuppa tea? Ah’ll make you wan afore ah go roond tae ma granny’s. Ah’m stayin there the night.’

  ‘Ta, hen.’

  The wee yin planted a cuppa tea doon on the bedside table and went aff. Ah was sittin, lettin the hot tea help me come to, when the door opened and Liz’s heid appeared.

  ‘Look at sleepin beauty.’

  ‘You’re early.’

  ‘Mr Anderson was feelin kind – he tellt me tae go at hauf-four the day since it’s the holiday weekend. Whit happened tae you?’

  ‘Ah was pure shattered. Lay doon for ten minutes and the next thing ah knew the wee yin was staundin at the bed tellin me it’s five o’clock.’

  ‘Is she away round tae her granny’s?’

  ‘Aye. Whit time are we supposed tae be gettin them?’

  ‘Angie phoned me at ma work. Siobhan’s no well so they’ve called it off.’

  ‘Nothin serious?’

  ‘Naw, don’t think so. Just a wee temperature – sumpn gaun round the nursery. But you know whit Angie’s like. They just need tae cough and she’s callin the doctor.’

  ‘So, want tae just go oot wersels?’

  ‘If you like.’

  Liz was sitting on the bed, her back tae me. Her skirt had rode up a bit, showin her thigh and there’s sumpn aboot the line of her neck, the way it curves on her shoulder, her hair kind of wispy over it. And it had been over a week noo. Ah put ma haund oot and touched her neck. Then ah moved closer.

  ‘Or we could just stay in. Phone up for a Chinese. There’s a bottle of wine in the fridge.’

  ‘Uh huh.’

  ‘Efter all, we’ve goat an empty the night.’

  She turned tae face me and ah knew it was OK.

  Later, we were sittin up in bed drinkin the wine, ma airm round her.

  ‘So how come yous have been workin aw these extra hours? Ah thought you said it was just a couple of rooms you were daein?’

  ‘Aye, but that was afore this lassie started choppin and changin her mind aboot the colour scheme. See, she’d wanted the lounge painted champagne, tae match her Versace troosers.

  ‘You are jokin.’

  ‘Ah’m no, honest. They were leather, skin-tight, you should of seen wee Boabby’s face when she came intae the room in them, ah thought he’d need resuscitated.’

  ‘Some folk have got mair money than sense.’

  ‘Nae skin aff our noses. At least we’re gettin some of it. Anyway that wasnae whit caused the hassle.’

  ‘Naw?’

  ‘We got the shade matched and painted the room and it was lookin fine and we’d just started on the joe loss when her highness changed her mind. She’d got fed up wi they troosers, she’d bought a new pair and could we paint the room lilac noo?’

  ‘Whit!’

  ‘Ah’m no kiddin. It was the boyfriend tellt us, brung the troosers in hissel so we could match the exact shade. She was too busy. It was that important it looked right for a big party they were havin at the weekend.

  ‘“You know whit women are,” he says.

  ‘“Oh aye,” says Boabby. “Ma missus is just the same. Gets the kitchenette redecorated every time she gets a wee top oot What Evries.”’

  ‘You’re havin me on, Jimmy.’

  ‘Did you no see their kitchenette efter Irene got they leopardskin breeks – it took Boabby days tae get that spotty paint.’

  She started tae giggle and dug me in the ribs.

  ‘Hey, that was sore …’

  ‘Sorry. Naw … ah mean, you know … the girlfriend gettin the livin room painted lilac.’

  ‘Are you tellin me if ah had that kindy money you widnae be gettin the hoose repainted tae match yer gear?’

  ‘If you’d that kindy money Jimmy, ah think you’d have wanny the Spice Girls fur a wife, no me.’

  ‘That’ll be the day.’

  ‘The money, or the glammy wife?’

  ‘Ah think you’re glammy enough for me. Anyhow they Spice Girls are auld hat. Ah’d need tae get Britney.’

  ‘Britt Ekland’s mair your age. Anyway, if we were that rich, ah wouldnae want a hoose. Ah think ah’d just live out of doors on some desert island … wouldnae wear any claes, just wanny they sarong things, silk, wrapped round me …’

  ‘Oh, stop it, stop it,’ ah started writhin aboot in the bed. ‘Ah’ve spilled ma wine … aw, fuck me!’

  ‘Whit – again?’

  Ah was that relieved things were back tae normal between me and Liz that the retreat went clean oot ma mind, but on the Tuesday when ah went tae the Centre it all came back tae me. Every week the Rinpoche gied a wee talk then led us through a meditation. After that we’d have a cuppa tea, sit roond and blether. We could ask questions or discuss anythin tae dae wi oor practice and that was a good time tae have a word on the QT if ye wanted tae say anythin personal.

  Anyhow, it was when we were daein the meditation ah started tae think aboot how different it was here fae when ah was on retreat. As soon as ah heard the Rinpoche’s voice it semed tae get me calmed doon and followin ma breathin. Ah could dae it. Felt at hame. Efterwards ah wanted tae ask him about it but couldnae say in fronty the rest. Somehow, though, it was as if he knew. He turned tae me and said, ‘So, Jimmy, how was your retreat?’

  ‘Kind of haurd gaun, Rinpoche – too many carrots.’

  Everybuddy laughed.

  ‘So you are taking the orange way to enlightenment – the future is bright.’

  ‘Sumpn like that.’

  He didnae say anythin else, just kept lookin at me, smilin. They were all waitin for me tae answer. Ah looked round their faces and back tae the Rinpoche.

  ‘It was the meditation. It was that haurd. Ah was wonderin …’

  He kept lookin at me.

  ‘Wonderin how come ah can dae it here – ah don’t mean it’s easy or that, just ah feel ah’m gettin somewhere – but there, it was terrible. Ah could hardly sit still, ma mind was birlin. In the end ah just sat and listened tae the rain on the roof.’

  ‘Tell me, Jimmy, what were you doing when you were listening to the rain?’

  ‘Ah wisnae daein anythin, ah tellt you, Rinpoche, ah was just sittin, listenin, followin the sound ae the raindraps landin on a roof – ma mind was just empty.’

  ‘How wonderful.’

  ‘But ah thought ah was supposed tae be followin the breaths, daein the mindfulness a breathin.’

  ‘Maybe you were doing the mindfulness of raindrops, Jimmy.’

  He reached ower and touched me, on ma airm, lightly, just for a moment. All of a sudden a big lump rose in ma throat and ah felt as though ah was gonnae greet. And he just kept on lookin at me wi that brilliant wee smile of his and it was like him and me were the only two folk in the universe.

  Walkin hame that night ah kept seein rain
draps. It’s funny, you’d think livin in a country where it’s chuckin it doon hauf the time you’d be pretty familiar wi them but it was as if ah’d never looked at wan afore. Of course ah hadnae. Who goes roond lookin at raindraps – folk’d think ye were mental. But there ah wis, stoppin at a hedge tae look at a raindrap on a leaf. Ah looked right close and could see the pattern of the veins of the leaf. Wee tracks gaun through it. What were they for? Hudnae a clue. Knew nothin aboot leafs or plants or that – just never been interested. But the Rinpoche was right – it was wonderful.

  Liz was watchin the TV when ah got in. Wanny they daft decoratin programmes. Ah kissed the tap ae her heid as ah passed round the back of the settee.

  ‘Want a cuppa tea?’

  ‘Just had wan. There was a phone call for you – Barbara – fae the retreat.’

  She turned tae look at me.

  ‘Whit did she want?’

  ‘Didnae say – she’s left a number for you tae phone back – Edinburgh number.’

  ‘Right.’

  ‘Didnae know yous were swoppin numbers.’

  ‘Ah never gied her mines – she must of got it oot the book. Must be sumpn ta dae wi the retreat.’

  Ah went intae the hall tae phone.

  ‘Is that Barbara?’

  ‘Speaking. Is that you Jimmy?’

  ‘Aye.’

  ‘How’s your hand?’

  ‘Oh, it’s fine – looked worse than it was.’

  ‘I hope you don’t mind my calling but I was wondering if you ever did any work in Edinburgh.’

  ‘Work?’

  ‘You know, painting.’

  ‘Eh, well, maisty our work is local – we’ve usually got plenty tae keep us busy. We dae the odd job as far as Stirling or that but ah don’t think we’ve ever had a job in Embra.’

  ‘I’m looking for a decorator – there’s quite a lot of work needing done in my flat. And I’ve kind of put it off because I work at home most of the time and the idea of having someone around whom I don’t know … well. Anyway, after meeting you at the retreat the other week I just thought it might be the ideal solution if you were able to do it. Obviously I’d pay you a bit more to compensate for your having to travel.’